When Life Comes Full Concentric Circles
Most of the time, I dont understand why things happen the way they do. But sometimes, life comes full circle and the reasons become obvious like patterns in a kaleidoscope. Broken and yet things get connected, the cracks cease to be random when you see the whole picture. Its when I finally come into acceptance of things that are meant and not meant to be.
another circle in my life just came to a close recently. one of the loves of my life got married to his current girlfriend. i obsessed about him for ten years of my life. he was the measure by which guys i meet were measured, and they all paled in comparison. altho i had overgrown him a long time ago, it was disturbing that he was settling down when my life was, for lack of a better word, unsettling. it sounded like he had finally found his happy-ever-after-ending wrapped in white and pretty things, pure and sacred, with everyone in agreement that he made a wise decision.
there was another guy i was obsessed with. i learned that he got married to a friend of mine. i remembered the three of us sitting in class. i was seated behind him, the girl sat to my right. we werent close then, i dont even think he knew her back then. he was the campus crush, she wore big, thick glasses and in ponytails. who would hav known, right? Last I heard they have two boys and living out their own happy ending. In all my four years in college, i never lunched with him, not knowing that one day in the future i would be sitting and talking to him and his wife in a quaint cafe having lunch.
my obsessions reminded me how i finally stopped obsessing over them. i got my own man. unfortunately, our relationship also became history. you could say it had served its purpose, i guess. i got my life back on track, i got my game on again, and i learned to live without. self-deprivation is good for the soul and it builds character. platitudes arent necessary, i’m not selling myself anymore to anyone, myself included.
i thought my man was The One, thus letting go of my obsession was made possible. The parallelisms were there, both from la salle, well-to-do family, driven, employed, attentive, dedicated to their respective partner. it seemed like things fell into place. i ended 10-years of not speaking to the other guy when the three of us chanced upon at a badminton court. at that time i felt, i became equal to my obsession. he was no longer bigger than what i called my life. i was not inferior because someone as good walked into my life and actually chose me.
on the plus side, he was aquarian, i was libran. we got together in november, just like my mom and dad. Again another set of parallelisms.
But the similarities ended there. in the end, it turned out that what we had was a big mistake. We ended up apologising for things we did and wasting each other’s time. I went on to rediscover who i had always been. I went to movies, games, gimiks, restos, parties by myself. i drove my own car, drove myself home. Slept in my own bed, hugging my own pillow. Turned down propositions which dont match my expectations and what I wanted in life and in love.
After the breakup, I went to confession and the priest told me that I had to find Christ in the cracks of my broken heart. Its easier to reshape broken things. You start anew, you dont mend, you dont adjust things to fit in. I was the Beloved, which made me think why I was looking for things outside of myself. I had to learn how to love myself again even if the world never loved me back.
The point was that i learned to stop obsessing. I learned to accept and move on in the same way that i easily accepted that 2 comes after 1 and my abcs. The circles came to a close and they are placed in their proper places. i would like to think that i had come to know my place in the grand scheme of things. I didnt see things thru rose-colored glasses anymore. I didnt look for signs, I didnt pray for anyone anymore to come into my life. I thought I already have all that I needed. I had set my standards based on what i believed true love is and I would not settle for the next guy to come my way hoping that he turns out to be my savior.
I didnt need saving. I had become my own person. I could live by myself from now on.
I also realized that there were other bigger circles in my life: my family and friends who had always been more important to me. With them, I would like to find myself forever. No circles, no ups and downs, no beginnings and endings, no overly blissful times and exaggerately depressing moments. this time, they would be real and permanent. no more obsessions and saviors, but real people whom I love and who love me back.
November 27th, 2006 at 8:42 am
tell me - what is the picture that the cracks have formed?