When I sought the comfort of shadows
I discovered I am no longer pale;
My body turned into various shades of red
Where you have touched my skin:
Deeper where the need was urgent
Bloody where your lips once drunk
Raw where your hands repeatedly grazed–
I knew then that I will never again feel
Abandoned in the light of the moon.
August 24, 2006
I.
Flimsy, fleeting, false
Words uttered without a cause
More likely, said without hesitation
More likely, without basis in emotion.
So, I hide behind entendre
And I ran away from disclosure
The man is not what is inferred
Because in the end, these are merely words.
II.
Why should we meet?
When words and implications
Could fill up the void of our expression
When knowing our physicality
Could become the end of our repartee?
When seeing our feature
Could only end up in displeasure?
When hearing our influence
Could turn into cellphone silence?
If this is where we are heading
And there is nothing we can do
Shouldnt we rather be content in reading
Than me ever meeting you?
III.
I know you not,
And for good reason
I live behind words
Shadows and reflections.
I love you not,
I don’t have the pleasure
My soul is irreparably broken
Doomed to fail your measure.
You know me not,
Beyond a shadow of a doubt
Can I even drop a hint
Without you figuring me out?
You love me not,
Yet I hopelessly fear
Can I even be free again
When I cling to every word I hear?
Nobody becomes an outsider by choice.
That’s what I told the guy of my recent dreams. What I want is to find my place in the sun, live out my dreams, and ride out into the sunset. The farthest thing on my mind is to get myself involved in yet another unrequited lovestory.
Love is isolating when unspoken. Not only do I deny it’s existence, I deny my own as well. I become yet another single guy living in the fast lane and burning the candle on both ends. People do not know that I rather stay at home and read my books.
However, I choose to like a guy. Or does love choose me? I dont know. If it were up to me, I would rather live alone. My ideal life is one that is stable and predictable. So I can plan my days and nights, I can set my goals and achieve them.
I am tired of thinking too much and endlessly. I will take a quiet life anytime. I like going out with friends who I can flirt and laugh with over the most mundane of things and not be bothered by it at all. My thoughts run faster and smoother that way. I am more dynamic, more open, quicker on the draw. I pay no mind to contexts, subtexts, underpinnings, subtleties, niceties, and other things read between the lines.
I laugh more, I smile more. What’s there to complain? But after yet another rejection, I see myself more and more of an outsider. I don’t fit in anymore, since I have changed in the time being. I told my friend that I want to go back to where I had been a year ago. I pray that I go back.
Now I am back.
How did I get here?
<go back to start>
